the diary of an ethereal deva


falling in love with someone amazing


writers block writing for the 201735th time.

it’s all too easy to be up, up, up and down, down, down.

staring into your eyes once, i noticed the way the light hitting them made them look like little emeralds. little green oceans. 

explosions of supernovas the way they glittered so effortlessly.
explosions of love, the way i dance so effortlessly.

and it’s all entirely too easy for me to be up, down, up and down again.
to feel the endorphins kick in.

i noticed a lot of things and you, you noticed nothing.
insides melting away, turning into a molded shell of who i wanted to be and nothing i’m supposed to be.

melting away, melting away, wake up today
i’m new today.
and what do you say? nothing. but maybe there just isn’t anything to say.

swaying, swaying, swaying to the beat.
this time i’ll only use my eyes to speak. speaking stories of finding a penny heads up, filling up my cup with freshly brewed coffee or tea…whatever i was in the mood for. 5:25 on the clock. noticing times like this. taking photos in the old antique photobooth and waiting for ten minutes for the photos to be printed out. each moment captured so flawlessly. and all of the yellow flowers lining the highway. so bright it hurts my eyes, makes them water. but i’m not crying, i don’t even know how to cry anymore. maybe it’s time for another tear duct surgery, what a funny thing to have operated on as a child. doctor please help my baby she can’t produce tears. how comical. maybe i wasn’t meant to be sad. but sometimes i am and for once, that’s okay. 


how i want you to hold me but you’ll never hold me again

(Source: , via freyjageist)


(via bendingsubmission)


a lot has happened since i last posted on here.

finally made love to a woman i love. wanted you, had you, wanted more, lost you. if you were scared of love fine, you didn’t have to be…such a coward about it though. never the less, moving on. new scars on my body that i adore. new party memories. applying to be a stripper sometime soon. because i feel like from everything i’ve read and talked to other people about, i will love it and i could use the fast, easy money to save up, get myself a car, buy some things in bulk, pay some people back for stuff, etc. 


met someone new. that has the potential to be really great for me, if i will let them. step one, meeting and hanging out with them. going to make this happen next week. 

i’m tired, always. can sleep, only after passing out from exhaustion. i think i might have liked you a lot more than i thought because i miss things with you. watching friends with you. watching you look at me in detail as you would draw me. fucking you. maybe you were just such a good fuck that it’s hard to let that go as horny as i’ve been lately. who knows…

moving on

moving on

moved on

your loss.

so much on my mind that i feel like i can’t tell anyone. it hurts a little inside that i know no one is going to ever find my scars as beautiful and sexy as i do. i just want someone to hurt me, make me bleed, bruise me…and love me all at the same time. too much to ask for? apparently so.

i’m becoming slightly more insane but i don’t know how to describe it because insanity is just…unexplainable. it’s nice. it’s sure a hell of a lot better than sanity.

also, turning into an alcoholic. a lush.

to be continued…


(Source: jillloveslife, via ashleyyyjane-deactivated2011083)